We’re well-intended. We start the New Year full of hope and promise. We set goals and we know this time we’re gonna kick ‘em in the sack. Then February rolls around. And it’s back to binge-watching and stuffing our faces. The cheat day turns into the cheat life.
According to WalletHub, “spend less and save more” is the most popular (and most broken) resolution.
Where you live determines your chances of keeping any resolutions you decide to make. San Francisco is tops, followed by Scottsdale, AZ and San Diego.
WalletHub compiled their list using 56 metrics including adult obesity to income growth to employment outlook.
See where your city ranks. And… good luck on that resolution. We at Crack Wise resolve to keep the funformation coming your way!
Kick off the new year with some sexiness—boudoir photography!
Keep each other’s attention with some romantic and intimate poses.
"This is a chance for couples to celebrate what matters. Tattoo artists, physicians and people from all walks of life are photographed to level up their relationship. It's adventurous, so they reconnect. Couples create beautiful artwork to remember this experience," says Mike Allebach, owner of Allebach Photography in Pennsylvania.
Sounds like a gift that keeps giving...
Two peas in a pod. Two nuts in a sack. What could be better?
Crack Wise prefers very soft focus (the only time soft in the bedroom is acceptable besides pillows), real-life photo shop, a full body baggy suit, and capturing our image from a distance. A really long distance.
How is it that Santa is able to drop his load… of packages… and eat all the cookies--without being seen?
In Christmas holiday Cheer Tattletale Titter Tizzy Tale, author Stephen Cherokee Drury reveals the answer to that very question.
Drury uses sing-song rhymes and clever alliteration to weave his fast-paced passages.
The Crack Wise staff wants to read this to our friends while under the influence. How fun! We’re sure our version would be waaaaay more humorous!
P.S. We’re not so sure Mr. Stephen wasn’t hittin’ the bottle himself with a title like that. Right!?!?
Every year, we want to celebrate NYE at some gotta-be-there venue. But then we realize, we’re cheap. And we can eat and drink a lot more for a lot less at home. But we can dream, can’t we?
If we ever do gather the cash to ring in the New Year in like a baller, here are the places we should go—according to WalletHub.
A majority of us will spend $200 each on NYE.
Our money will be spent on a bottle of affordable Barefoot Pink Moscato “champagne”, a cheese ball, Triscuits, and some salami.
But here’s howfun people do the end-of-beginning-of event:
$1.1 billion on air travel for approximately 6.4 million people. That’s an average of $165 for a round-trip ticket.
$758 is the difference in cost for a couple to enjoy dinner and a show on New Year’s Eve in the most expensive city (New York) and least expensive city (Philadelphia).
360+ million glasses of sparkling wine are guzzled on NYE.
So… where are the best places in the USA to spend New Year’s Eve? New York tops the list, followed by Los Angeles, then Atlanta.
That may be too much travel for us. Our aspirations include food, libations, music and a hotel stay.
Where does your town rank? Click on this groovy map to find out.
We feel sad for the states that have no NYE party town. Perhaps that should be their resolution...
Have you procrastinated with your Christmas gift shopping? At least you haven’t waited until Christmas Eve to get it done (please don’t want that long). Wouldn’t you like to save money on big ticket items?
Kendrick Shope is an international sales expert, the CEO and creator of the Authentic Selling process, and she basically knows stuff.
Here are some tips so you Crack Wisers can shop wiser:
Be cautious of those “doorbuster” items: There’s always that one doorbuster item that seems like the price is too good to be true. The truth is, there’s a reason for that. It’s usually an item that either isn’t selling well, is plagued with problems or doesn’t live up to its hype. The allure of snatching up an unbelievable deal might be more of a headache than it’s worth in the long run.
Read the fine print: When that flat screen TV is advertised for $500 off, read the fine print. Is it limited to the first 20 customers through the door? Is it only a special offer from 4am to 5am? There are big savings on Black Friday and throughout the holiday season, but the really deep discounts usually are more limited than people realize.
Get a barcode scanner on your Smart Phone and use price-comparison websites: Let’s say you’re in Walmart and see a blender you want to gift someone. How do you know if you’re getting the best price of all the major retailers? Install an app that scans the barcode and tells you the price at all other retailers. There are many apps you can download such as RedLaser, ShopSavvy and Flipp. Also, don’t forget about price-comparison Internet shopping sites like PriceGrabber.com.
Know the return policy: Many holiday season special priced items don’t come with the same return policy as items bought the rest of the year. In fact, some of the bigger sale items might be an “all sales final” or have a very limited window for returns. Make sure you know what you’re getting into. Nonetheless, always give a gift receipt when the purchase is for someone else.
Get social and connected on email: Make sure you are following your favorite retailers on social media and that you’ve signed up for email alerts. These stores are always looking to grow their following and increase their fan base. In exchange, some of them will let you in on secret sales taking place or they might extend special coupon codes that nobody else will know except their social media followers and those who opt into receive emails. This year, Facebook and Twitter are still popular, and don’t forget about Instagram.
Shop safe: Tis the season for giving, but cybercriminals are lurking and just waiting to grab hold of your credit card information. When shopping online, make sure you are connected to a secured wi-fi connection. Also, make sure the website address begins with https:// instead of the standard http:// Finally, cybercriminals have created clone websites of the originals that look identical but are off by a single letter in the address. Double check the website address to make sure you are where you want to be. The bottom line: use caution when shopping online.
Since we’re thinking of you, you can think of us. We’ll gladly accept an Instant Pot, bottle of Target wine or whatever…
Or friend, teacher, mom…
This might be a nice little stocking stuffer for someone this Christmas. The JavaSok keeps your drink cozy and your hands dry. Nobody likes having wet hands… from holding a sweaty drink!
JavaSok is a fabric cup made from neoprene that cradles your plastic cup. Now, we say goodbye to the damaging wetness that can destroy coffee tables, car cup holders and handshakes!
This cup protector comes in three different sizes to accommodate your thirst needs.
As we’re getting set to close the books on an interesting 2018, we thought we’d share with you the year’s most bizarre travel stories. So if you hate traveling, this will reconfirm why. Our favorite nightmares involve those involving animals in the airport. And we don’t mean a&&hole business folk who think they’re more important than the rest of us.
In January, Ventiko (a performance artist) tried to hop on a United Airlines flight from Newark to L.A. with her emotional support peacock named Dexter. (Perhaps it’s the only cock she fancies!) She bought an extra seat for Dexter, but was warned numerous times that since Dexter wasn’t a human nor approved support animal, that he would not be allowed to fly. After pleading her case for three hours after arriving at the terminal, Vendumbko decided to drive cross-country. Guess she put in some quality time with her cock.
Meanwhile, one traveler tried to board a Frontier Airlines flight from Orlando to Cleveland with her emotional support squirrel. We love squirrels, but please. They aren’t an emotional support animal just because you’re emotionally attached! Airline officials told the woman their policy does not permit rodents on the plane, but she refused to depart the plane. So, police had to help her off. Thanks for the two hour delay.
Crack Wise Bizarre Travel Story:
It was many moons ago, and we were on the way to a haunted attraction in a small town in the middle of nowhere. On our way, we got lost. And that’s when we saw a mother-flippin’ pygmy on the side of the road. Just standing there! It was tiny, and pink-skinned. And no, we weren’t intoxicated! Just ask comedian Mike Conley—he can verify this traumatizing event.
We were scurred.
The New Year is almost here! What’s the plan? Well, if you’ve got some cash and an itchin’ for a road trip, then you might be totally down for this:
“Flash To The Future” NYE 2019 at Nikki Beach Miami
You’ll experience live entertainment that includes acrobats, aerialists, DJs and a private fireworks display at midnight. All guests will be treated to a complimentary midnight champagne toast and celebratory party favors.
General admission tickets start at $75. VIP tables, daybeds and cabanas start at $550.
What will Crack Wise be up to?
Too much food
Napping because it’s hard to stay up until midnight
Watching Dick Clark’s Rockin’ New Year’s Eve and hoping Mariah Carey makes an appearance (hot mess alert!)
“Champagne” toast at midnight
Staring at the cat and wondering if it’s plotting your murder
Counting toes and fingers to make sure they’re still there
We love Christmas! And since we’re still a kid at heart, we want to put all the cool toys and gadgets on our list for Santa. If you’ve got a little one in your life, perhaps you should get familiar with the KiwiCo. They’ve got a line of holiday crates for kids of all ages.
With these crates, kids get to use their creative thinking to build and make fun mechanical or decorative projects like:
An LED Holiday Luminary
Chemistry Christmas Tree
Santa’s Light-Up Workshop
And 11 other creative crates!
The Crack Wise staff would like to invent these crates:
How to build a charcuterie board crate
Drink a bottle of wine, then make it into a light crate
Replace what’s in any crate with our holiday weight gain and ship it to someone we can’t stand crate
Wonder if KiwiCo would like any of those ideas…