It’s no Australian Firefighters Calendar. While that one makes you feel all tingly in your pants, this calendar will make your heart feel all warm and full.
NHV Natural Pet Products is offering a 2019 “Second Chance” Wall Calendar. The company believes every pet deserves a second chance, whether it’s a new, loving home for a shelter pet, or helping a sick dog or cat fight illness holistically with natural supplements. In tandem with that philosophy, the company has created this calendar with sweet photos of 12 rescue pets and their heart-warming stories.
Plus, all proceeds will be donated to support rescue pets. Cost? $19.95. That’s just a whole lotta awwwww….
While we consider ourselves foodies—we know where and when to draw the line. We love bacon, but we have no desire to smell like it 24/7. Forget bacon perfume, lotion, lip gloss, cologne, etc… We’re not even into clothing proclaiming our love of any food.
But some are so obsessed, there are no boundaries. And the marketing gods that be know that.
If you know someone who loves the sausage—in particular, that of one Jimmy Dean, then make sure you wrap all their holiday gifts in Jimmy Dean paper that smells like sausage.
This is a bad idea.
First of all, we fear it’s going to smell like rank sausage. You know, the kind you encounter after last call.
Second of all, if you have a dog and you place your presents under the tree—your fur baby is going to tear open those packages because he/she thinks they’re getting to the good stuff—sausage!
Crack Wise suggests you keep your sausage game fresh, and keep it to yourself—unless you’re asked to share.
Ah, livin’ the ranch life. And we don’t mean on some land with a bunch of livestock. We’re talking about dipping everything from carrots to chicken fingers to French fries, to whatever—in ranch dressing.
If we could hug Hidden Valley Ranch, we would—because they have for yourself, or your favorite ranch dressing connoisseur covered for Christmas this year.
How about a magnum of ranch?
Or, wear your ranch love—and we don’t mean on your chin, but that’s most likely going to be the case if you order a magnum of ranch!
There’s wrapping paper, ornaments and even a tree topper!
What’s that? Our doctor is calling with a disapproving tone? Tell him to eat it.
Whether you’re hosting a football viewing party and you want to set-it-off, or you just want to gift your favorite sports fan with a bouquet of gridiron love, flower arrangements from Sporticulture gives everything a little flair.
Let’s say your person is a fan of Alabama’s Crimson Tide. They’ll receive a red chrysanthemum. Perhaps you dig the Denver Broncos. You’ll receive a bouquet of purple and yellow pansies.
We’re afraid of what we’ll get for the Cleveland Browns. Do they send dead flowers?
Anywho, Sporticulture comes with easy care instructions; is available in team colors; and is officially licensed by the NFL (cuz you know there’s no way someone’s going to profit unless they do).
Reasons Crack Wise thinks you should send your man flowers:
Maybe he’ll do the dishes… once this century
He’ll brag on you to all his friends, and they’ll ridicule him
These would look nice in his man cave, next to the empty Hot Pockets boxes
It’ll give him something else to kill besides you sex life
Did y’all remember there’s a holiday between Halloween and Christmas? It’s called Thanksgiving.
Oh, that holiday…
As a way of teaching children the importance of gratitude, and giving back meals to those in need, please welcome “Turkey on the Table.”
The family gathers together to write down what they’re thankful for on the turkey’s feathers, and then places the feathers into the turkey. Mr. Turkey will then stand proud for the big day. He’s probably grateful he wasn’t slaughtered for the feast.
Anywho, T.O.T.T. comes with a book that explains to kids what it means to have gratitude and to give back. With each turkey purchased, 10 meals are donated to families in need through Feeding America. The goal this year is to reach one-million meals donated.
Get your Turkey on the Table HERE, or at Bed Bath & Beyond or Michael’s.
Such a wonderful thing.
Well, we're inspired by this. Crack Wise is grateful for:
bladder control products
Uncle Ralph’s one-foot in the grave, so we might get some cash
Ahhh..... our hearts are so full of....
Pinkies up, everyone!
Time to don your finest attire and start speaking in your faux British accent just in time for your holiday get-together.
B Floral Founder and Lead Designer Bronwen Smith will put the stick in your tush and make you the envy of your pseudo peers!
How To Throw The Most Stylish Holiday Soiree Like B Floral’s Bronwen Smith
For Your Tablescape:
A simple color palette that uses shades of creams and pastels can be accented by bold silverware, plates, and vases to add a ‘pop’ to your holiday table.
Succulents aren’t just for summer. Don’t be afraid to utilize succulents in your holiday centerpieces. Paired with deep purples and maroons, succulents bring a fresh approach to holiday tablescapes.
Place several large festive arrangements on a highboy table to create a focal point in your space—perfect for a gift exchange.
Branch Out. If you want height for your dinner table but don’t want to block guests’ view of one another, opt to place beautiful branches throughout your table runner.
That’s too much style for us.
Crack Wise’s Tips For A Tipsy Good Time:
Booze = priority. Make sure you have lots of Captain. And wine. Preferably nothing that has a cork in it because you could get hurt using the corkscrew.
Snacks. Bags of tortilla chips and salsa, guac, salt n pepper chips, Cheetos, Doritos, pretzels… you get the idea. Don’t bother putting that shizz in bowls. We’re all friends. Reach in and eat.
Fine china? HA HA HA! Red solo cups, paper plates, plastic forks and maybe cute holiday-themed napkins.
Succulents? That’s for when you’ve had a little too much and someone starts to succulent on someone else.
We are soooo into this, and we think you should be, too!
Have you heard, literally heard, of Wondery?
Wondery is a “network of storytellers and the fastest-growing podcast company in the world, with hit podcasts such as ‘Dirty John’, ‘Business Wars’, ‘American History Tellers’, and ‘Dr. Death’.”
Wondery’s mission: feel the story. And we don’t have to pay extra for the action?
Their latest series is entitled: Imagined Life.
It’s like “What’s Your Line” in podcast form. Each episode puts you in the shoes of a celebrity before they became famous. The twist: you don’t know the celebrity’s life you’re experiencing until the very end of the episode.
We hope there isn’t a podcast about Kim Kardashian. We don’t want to imagine Ray J ramming us from behind like in her sex tape… that made her famous. We don’t want to “feel” that.
Here’s a story from Crack Wise:
There’s an inept manager of a business. His right hand (job) woman is an evil fire-breathing-dragon type. She hates everyone-- except her one little minion, and fills the manger’s mind with poison. One day, a bunch of people are fired (for no reason) or quit (because the business is the 10th ring of Hell.)
What are we talking about?
We don’t know. That story was made up. Or was it?
Ah, passive-aggressiveness at its finest.
Oh, go explore Wondery. They’re professional story tellers.
Even though the name of this QWNN thingie sounds like Gwyneth Paltrow to us and we loathe her, we’re looking past that to the cool factor. Unlike that tramp.
Since we’re geek lovers, we need this. Origami, plus tech, plus futuristic styling? Yes!
Solight Design recently launched a crowdfunding campaign for its origami-inspired, portable solar lantern power bank. Nifty!
QWNN is lightweight, flat-packable, portable and waterproof. It has a built-in 400 mAh rechargeable power bank (guess that’s good), and charges via sunlight or micro-USB port.
“Since the launch of the original SolarPuff in 2015, we have impacted over 600,000 lives around the world with our Solights, bringing light to those without electricity,” said Alice Chun, QWNN inventor. “Our lights have also shined bright, from backyard BBQs to glamping in the Grand Canyon, from relaxing evenings at home to climbing expeditions in Nepal.”
Look, we ain’t trekking to Nepal. But if someone needs to see a ni-pple—we’d have a cool light for that.
Other ways Crack Wise would use QWNN:
First, change the name to CrackWiseLight.
Use it for making Ramen. That bowl of sodium will seem fancier.
The lights go out as you’re about to pop a pimple… on your butt. Problem solved.
Set a romantical mood for you and Rosy…
Good for a night time potty break so you actually hit the bowl.
You don’t want to binge eat in complete darkness. You might miss the crumbs.
NOTE: for every QWNN purchased, one will be donated to those in need in Indonesia. Do-gooders…