Funformation
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Though we believe fervently that we're not going to drag the same ol' bullshizz into a new year, whelp... 2021 is here and guess what? With that said, we roll on. And Valentine's Day is almost here. So, let's celebrate. Keep doing what you're doing and get your romantical drink on at home. Our boozie bestie, Tavour has the hookup with over 600 independent craft breweries to ship the country's best beers right to your door. Scotty Hunter of Urban Artifact in Ohio says beers have evolved, and so has our palates. "I think the way beer has evolved to express so many different flavor concepts over the years has lent itself to many more occasions. We often see breweries push this with Valentine's day 'themed' beers typically involving chocolate, but there are very elegant barrel aged sours and wine hybrids, as well." Scotty would love for us to put our lips on his peach-- Love Letter Peach Sour Ale. To create this brew, they used over 3,200 pounds of fresh, white peaches per batch. Damn! The smoothie-like pour is thick like puree and smells like a slice of fresh peach. A taste of creamy vanilla beans adds smooth sweetness to the finish. It's like a Bellini, but more luxuriant. Sold! Tavour, here we come. Plus, who doesn't like to eat a peach? On Valentine's Day, especially... There’s something comforting about "those" days: No cares in the world. No adulting. No social media. Mostly just fun. Combine fun plus love and get your favorite gamer the Legends Ultimate Arcade Game from AtGames. This connected/expandable arcade machine comes with 300 games and costs only $599. At-home arcade machines usually cost around $1,500. So, bargain! Some of the classic arcade games included are: Centipede, BurgerTime, Tempest, Crystal Castles, Missile Command, Tron, Zoo Keeper, Space Invaders and more. And now for the specs: This full-size machine, which stands over 66” tall and 29” wide, features premium two-player arcade controls, a 24” HD LCD monitor, down-firing stereo speakers, and Wi-Fi connectivity. The games can be enjoyed from the authentic arcade-style control panel, which includes two joysticks, six action buttons per player, a high-performance trackball, and two spinners. Plus, old school meets new school (?) with the intro of eSports to retro games with the AtGames Leagues and Leaderboards, voice chat, friend’s lists, and the ability to stream gameplay directly to popular streaming services. Boom. Or is that: blinky-lights-and-sounds… Important info: get this ultimate gift at Sam’s Club, GameStop.com, and Walmart.com. Valentine’s Day isn’t just for lovers. It’s for scorned lovers, too. And the lover-less. And… whomever, really. We love (get it?) Galentine’s Day. The day for lady love on February 11th—however you choose to lady-lady love is up to you. Cameo Nouveau has a great gift idea for G Day: Best Friend Broken Heart earrings by Vanessa Mooney. According to the description it’s: “a classic way to express your feels for your best friend, but in a new way—an earring set.” Okay. We’re neither trendy nor cool. Are we supposed to give the set to our bestie? Or does she wear one earing and we wear the other like those broken heart necklaces? And if this is “all the feels” for our bestie, then why would our heart be broken? Maybe we’ll just stick with our bestie’s favorite gift: wine. You can buy these earrings for your BFF and let us know how it worked out. We all have one—a “pun-ster” in our lives. That one person that can’t resist droppin’ a pun whenever there’s a window of opportunity. If you happen to be partnered with a pun-ster, then you may want to gift them with a Valentine’s Day card that really speaks to their soul. ACouplePuns are the special occasion (or any occasion) cards you didn’t know you needed. And you do. Stock up. And laugh your puns off. *Disclaimer*: This is not a political post. This is a shout-out over someone having the balls to tie-in timeliness, good ol’ capitalism, and a hunger—for something delish. Scarlett Dunn is the author of Cookbook for Deplorables: Make the Kitchen Great Again. Her words: “As if fighting an invisible enemy hasn’t been enough of a challenge for everyone, we’ve also had to listen to an inordinate amount of antagonistic political discourse for the last four plus years. To stay sane, we need to take a step back and try to find some humor in these trying situations. It was important for me to laugh again in my everyday life, and I thought many of you might enjoy a little laughter as well. Since we are all confined to our homes now and cooking more, I pulled out some of my old recipes, and if needed, fortifying cocktails to help you deal with the crazies.” Love it. Some of Scarlett's recipes include: Shifty Schiff Sausage Gravy Fake News Cheese Fries Triggered Mini Tacos Lock Her Up Lasagna Russia Hoax Reuben Impeachment Peach Cobbler “Come On, Man” Mai Tai And this gem: Corrupt Congressional Chili (Not as many beans as millionaires in Congress) Ingredients: 3 pounds ground chuck 1 medium white onion 2 ½ tablespoons chili powder 2 tablespoons cumin 2 tablespoons chili 1 ½ teaspoons salt 1 tablespoon chopped garlic ½ teaspoon pepper 2 teaspoons red pepper flakes 1 (15-ounce) can petite diced tomatoes 1 (15-ounce) can hot chili beans 1 (15-ounce) can mild chili beans 1 (8-ounce) can tomato sauce Instructions: In a large skillet, brown ground chuck and onions over medium heat. After it’s browned, mix in garlic, chili powder, cumin, salt, pepper, and red pepper flakes. I like my chili on the warm side, but you can use less red pepper flakes if you like it milder. In a large pot, add tomato sauce, beans, diced tomatoes, and sugar. Add meat mixture to the pot. Simmer for 1 hour. Some people like spaghetti in their chili. If so, cook about 4 ounces of broken spaghetti and add it to the pot for the last 20 minutes of cooking. *You can also use premade chili powder (like McCormack) if you prefer not to add your own spices. Okay. We see you, Yankee Candle. There was a time we may have dropped a lot of cash on your good-smelling things. We still love you, but we’re grown now. And... you know, bills and stuff. But… we still turn to you to mood-set our homestead. We love you even more now that you’re offering up drink recipes with your candle expertise. What? Cheers yourself every day—or maybe every day you have breakfast—with this sinfully wonderful sip that tastes as good as the candle smells. White Strawberry Bellini Ingredients: 3/4 cup ice 1 pint fresh strawberries, hulled 3 tablespoons powdered sugar 6 fresh strawberries for garnish Sparkling wine Instructions: Add strawberries and ice to blender. Blend until ice and strawberries are smooth. Add powdered sugar, a teaspoon at a time, to your desired sweetness level. Pour strawberry puree into glass. Top with sparkling wine, and garnish with a fresh strawberry. So. 2020. The year that wasn’t. The year where so many things have changed. The year that needs to GTFO. We’re sure you’d like to homicide 2020 in a number of ways. American Standard wants us to flush 2020 down the toilet. We’re sure you’d like to homicide 2020 in a number of ways. American Standard wants us to flush 2020 down the toilet. The brand is giving away limited-edition, customized Flush 2020 toilet paper now through the 14th. The rolls feature some of this year’s Most Flushable Moments. Those surveyed for said flushable moments would like to wipe these away: COVID-19 (87%) The Phrase “New Normal” (49%) Canceled Vacations (41%) Virtual Everything (34%) Murder Hornets (32%) Nasal Swabs (30%) Missed Parties (24%) The Phrase “You’re on Mute” (19%) Birthday Caravans (15%) “Normally, it would excite us to have a year for the toilet – we’re big toilet people at American Standard. But the realities of 2020 weren’t quite what we had in mind. Given the year’s challenges and uncertainty, we are flushing the turmoil down the toilet and starting fresh with a clean start for the new year,” said Gene Barbato, vice president of marketing for American Standard. Get your chance to flush 2020 by clicking HERE. P.S. We wish somebody would’ve had a birthday caravan for us… sigh… P.P.S. We have a list of people we’d like to flush. Is that wrong? Charcuterie boards are all the rage. Actually, a modern twist to charcuterie is all the rage. Back in ancient times, we called these “meat and cheese platters”. The fancy French always called this a charcuterie. And now, woke folk want to charcuterie everything. Which is fine by us. Because it involves foods and drinks. Hot cocoa charcuterie boards; waffle charcuterie boards; taco charcuterie boards… You get it. The latest? Pancake charcuterie boards. So why not enjoy a yummy Christmas-morning-breakfast idea with a healthy twist? Orgain has an organic plant-based protein waffle and pancake mix that will take some of the guilt out of overindulging. Slap this on your board: Holiday Spice Pancakes Ingredients: Avocado oil spray 1 cup Orgain Organic Plant-Based Protein Pancake & Waffle Mix - Gluten Free 1 cup unsweetened almond milk 1 egg Dash each of cinnamon, nutmeg, ginger, and cloves For serving: chopped dates, walnuts, maple syrup (Note: For vegan option just combime 1/4 cup pancake mix with 1/3 cup water) Instructions: Warm a skillet over medium heat with a little bit of avocado oil. In a large mixing bowl, combine Pancake & Waffle Mix, milk, egg, and spice mixture and blend with a fork until well combined. Spoon 1/4 of mixture onto the skillet and cook until bubbles form on top, about 2-3 minutes, flip and continue to cook until golden brown, about 2 more minutes. Repeat until all of the pancake mix has been used. While the pancakes are cooking, chop your dates and walnuts. To assemble, transfer the pancakes to a large plate or cutting board and place the dates and nuts in bowls so family can create their own stack. Serve immediately. *recipe courtesy of Orgain How many people are coming over for Thanksgiving? How many people are allowed to come over? Well, if you want to celebrate all things turkey with a few peeps—or maybe on your own without the prying eyes of Big Brother—why not do Thanksgiving outdoors? Instead of chestnuts roasting on an open fire, why not Mr. Gobbles? Okay. Not Mr. Gobbles—because he sounds like a Disney character gone astray. Roast some random sketchy turkey on an open fire. And it’s not too difficult... but we’re gonna need help. Because our traditional Turkey Day role is drinking the wine and making a side dish that is un-mess-upable. Campfire Roasted Thanksgiving Turkey Ingredients: 12 pound-ish turkey Olive oil Salt Black pepper (freshly medium ground) Your favorite turkey seasonings (thyme, sage, garlic, onion, etc.) Method 1: Large Dutch Oven (not farting under a blanket) Wire rack to keep turkey off floor of Dutch Oven Remote reading cooking thermometer Method 2: Cheesecloth Aluminum foil Instructions: Start a campfire with hardwood logs like oak, hickory, hard maple, etc. Let it burn for at least an hour to develop a large supply of glowing coals. Alternately, you can start charcoal briquettes in a large starter chimney. It will take about 15-20 minutes for the charcoal to turn grey and be ready for cooking. Make sure the turkey is completely thawed. Rub oil thoroughly on exterior and interior of turkey. Sprinkle liberally with salt, pepper, and other seasonings. If you have whole leaf herbs you wish to use, place them inside the cavity of the bird. For food safety, it’s most often recommended these days you do not stuff the bird. An apple, peeled orange, onion, etc. loosely placed in the cavity for flavor is fine, but it’s recommended you do not stuff the bird with traditional dressing; cook that separately on the side. Method 1: You need an extremely large Dutch Oven. You should ensure with the rack in the bottom to elevate the bird, the turkey does not contact the sides or the lid of the vessel. There are some extra deep Dutch Ovens with tall lids out there, but even with one of these it can be a close fit. Remember, the Dutch Oven is made to evenly heat its contents all around (just like you’re oven at home). Contact with the cast iron by the bird inhibits the system. Assuming you find a Dutch Oven large enough, the rest is pretty simple. Place the turkey in the Dutch Oven, insert the probe of the thermometer into the center of the breast meat making sure it does not contact any bone. String the thermometer’s lead out to the sending unit and place the cover tightly on the Dutch Oven (Camp Chef Dutch Ovens have a special hole in the rim of the lid to accommodate the thermometer lead). Place coals below and on top of the Dutch oven and replenish as they turn to ash. A 12-pound turkey will take about three hours to cook this way, but watch the read out! Remove when the internal temp hits 165 F, then allow the bird to rest, covered, for about 20 minutes before you begin to carve. Method 2: While the campfire is burning to coals, dig a hole six inches larger than the turkey all the way around. Wrap the oiled, seasoned turkey generously with cheesecloth, then with four layers of aluminum foil sealing as tightly as possible. Rake or shovel two inches of coals (or charcoal) into the bottom of the pit. Make sure you’re getting coals and not ash. Place the wrapped bird on top of them. Fill in the space around the bird with coals to about two inches above the bird, then top off the pit with earth. Time three hours, then remove the soil and ash on top of the package. Insert the probe of the thermometer through the foil and cheesecloth to check the internal temp of the breast. If it’s at least 165 F, then carefully remove the bird from the pit and set aside for 20 minutes of rest. If it’s not up to temp, leave the probe in place and carefully recover with fresh coals and earth. When up to temp, remove and rest. After resting, carefully open pack and begin carving. *recipe courtesy of 50campfires.com *Or, you can order pizza and take that to the campground. All of 2020 has been non-traditional, so… Balloons are cool. The long ones can be made into animals. The shiny ones distract us from whatever nonsense is going on around us. You can ride in really big ones. But in our hearts we need a balloon that speaks to us. That understands we’re not average. Oh, yeah! Badass Balloon Company is our people. Cuz we roll with a lot of ‘tude. And these balloons give us style points, because we exist in the -15 on the style scale. These are fancy balloons, y’all. So get your Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hanukkah turnt up—even if it’s just you and your fur baby and your same yoga pants you’ve been wearing since lockdown… Desiree Ontiveros is the mastermistress behind Badass. She’s a former fashion publicist, which means “she knows stuff”. Check out all the décor kits, party décor, new arrivals, etc… Who knew there were so many balloon occasions? Can we get a Crack-Wise-broke-the-snark-world-record kit, or the we-ate-all-the-Chips-Ahoy-cookies-in-five-minutes balloon pairing? P.S. Seriously, though, think how cool your next Zoom meeting could look? Or your NASCAR party... |
AuthorThe cracked Crack Wise Staff-- warriors of the Funformation Movement. Archives
January 2024
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