I've been in a "letter writing" mood...
There’s a teenie, tiny, part of me that wants to get a brand new laptop and new email address just to eff with scammers that send me junk email. Like this tw&t waffle:
I am writing to you based on your last name which is the same as my late client. I am happy to meet you after a very long search that yielded nothing.
A client of mine with the same last name with you died in Malaysia Airlines flight MH17, en route from Amsterdam to Kuala Lumpur, was traveling over conflict-hit Ukraine on 17 July 2014 when it disappeared from radar and as his lawyer, his bank here wants me to provide any of his family members or relative.
Please confirm that you know this man as I have a confidential matter to discuss with you based on his deposit here before he died. Even if you do not know or related to him, we can still work out things here since both of you are sharing the same last name.
I will be happy to hear from you via my private email address for more details.
Bar. Brian Polster
Hello, Sugar Bear…
I can’t believe there is another human being with the last name Stiffdickey! I’m so saddened to hear that another Stiffdickey ran out of steam. I’m assuming it’s my great-grandfather on my mother’s side 69th removed. Thank you for your dedication in taking five long years to find me.
I am, indeed, related to Peter Stiffdickey The Third. He has a birthmark that looks like a quarter moon on his right buttocks. Gramps used to flash the gals all the time!
I’m not surprised that Petey had some cash. He ran his own cathouse. He said with a name like “Peter Stiffdickey,” it was destiny.
I hope you haven’t touched any other Stiffdickeys. You don’t know what you’re getting into.
Chat with you never,
The Kardashian/Jenner clan should be on their knees (familiar position) thanking sister Kim and momma/momager Kris for their contribution to the world and letting us know who these beyotchs be. Momma K is *this close* to negotiating a $300 million pay day for appearing on Keeping Up With The Kardashians.
I think they should write sis and mom a letter.
Dear Kim & Mommy,
Kimmie—thank you so much for letting Ray J bang you “secretly” on video. Your vageen is, indeed, golden, and has brought us such good fortune and infamy. Had it not been for Ray J’s trip to Magical Vagina Land, we would’ve ended up working at 7-11. We’re not meant to work an honest day in our lives.
Mommy—thank you so much for being a sleazy opportunist. Most moms would be mortified that their little girl was caught on video playing the skin flute, but not you! You saw dollar signs and brokered a deal of a lifetime. Now, we’re household names! And some of us are billionaires for doing absolutely nothing! P.S. Tell our stepdad, Satan, we’re grateful to him, too.
Kourtney, Khloe, Kylie and Kendall
Everybody’s an expert on social media. The keyboard makes warriors out of wimps. Because these fools would never have the balls to say the crap they say, knowing in person it would get their asses rightfully beaten.
I spied this recipe on Pinterest. Looks yum.
I always read the comments to see how the finished product is in reality, and if there are any tips.
Apparently, somebody called the Chicken Pot Pie Police—because this recipe violates the Chicken Pot Pie Rules.
Here's a thought, bitch... don't make the recipe after you've read the ingredients! Or, adjust it for your tastes!
Thank goodness for a voice of reason.
People need to go back inside their bubbles where they can create and control their own perfect little worlds. Then we don’t have to deal with them. Win-win.
There are times I wonder if people are just clueless, or are they intentionally acting like an ass?
Case in point, this post on Amazon. I appreciate the opportunity to ask a question and have it answered by people with real experience with whatever product.
Good question. (FYI the product is a pizza oven in the shape of a pizza box. It’s so cute and clever.) And many people provided answers they thought would be helpful. Except for this toolbag.
WTH? Why waste the energy to comment when you have nothing relevant to comment? And it’s not even a funny comment? It’s just… why!?!?
So much assholery. So illegal to beat people…
I’m starting to think that email is as much of a scourge on society as social media. It can get your hopes up, only to dash those hopes to the ground in a million pieces.
In one instance, I’m to blame, because I misread this email:
I actually thought the Fountain of Youth had been discovered. I was all set for a road trip until I realized I read it wrong. There’s some band named Youth Fountain that I could give zero effs about. Find me that damned Fountain of Youth. Time’s a ticking away! Don't email me back until you do!
Then, I got this email:
Well, thanks for depressing me. Thanks for the reminder that my life plan hasn’t worked out. LOL I’m sure the book you’re pimpin’ will make it all better. NOT!
Maybe we all need an email break as well as a social media break. But keep in mind that doesn’t mean you need a break from Crack Wise. Duh. Funformation is always awesome.
I received an email recently inviting me to join a new platform of some sort. The reason why I can’t explain it to you is because the email was confusing as to what the platform/product is.
Okay. This is decently written. I think the goal is to create a website with this platform. Because there aren’t others out there?
And now here we go with the spelling errors and misuse of grammar. I understand when a word or two slips by the editor. I miss things. Because we humans do that thing called “closure”. We know what’s supposed to be on the page, so we make it happen even though there are errors. But for the love of all things proper, your proof reader was crunk.
Kudos to Hustlers Hustlin for trying to create something new. But seriously, I can’t take you seriously when you can’t spell, your grammar sucks, and I really don't see how your product is beneficial. You’re not re-inventing user-friendly web creation. You didn’t invent group emailing or user-exclusive domain addresses. I think I’ll just keep the Crack Wise website right where it is.
I’m already hustlin’.
See, that’s with an apostrophe!
KitKat is one of my favorite candy bars. So I was totally pumped about KitKat ice cream cones. I dropped a small fortune on this box of four-- $4.95. But like I said—I love KitKat.
Don’t get me wrong. It’s a delicious treat. Just not knock-my-socks-off fantastic. There’s fudge throughout the inside of the cone, and fudge in the center of the vanilla ice cream.
Honestly, the Nestle Drumstick is better. Nuts on top of the chocolate shell. No fudge center, but there wasn’t that much in the KitKat version. With the Drumstick, you still get fudge inside the cone.
And you can get an eight-count of Drumsticks for $5.97 at Walmart.
Way to let me down, sweet confection…
Who knew there would ever be a fight over Long Island Iced Tea? One of my favorite drinks when you’ve had a bad day and need to erase it quickly, this beverage of regret has caused a war between New York bartenders and the City of Kingsport, TN.
I knew the competition was happening. Then I got this press release. Here’s a snippet:
Long Island Bartenders participated in the final round of the Long Island Iced Tea Challenge, a challenge to determine the origins of the famed Long Island Ice Tea drink between Kingsport, Tenn and Long Island, NY. They are calling an investigation by the City of Kingsport Mayor John Clark, after judges chosen to determine the original “Long Island Iced Tea” winner were possibly rigged by Visit Kingsport, the tourism entity associated with the Tennessee bartending crew. Butch Yamali, bartender and owner of Hudson’s on the Mile in Freeport, NY, has called the competition a possible fraud, after his team was excluded from location negotiations and had no say in judge selection. Long Island bartenders traveled to Washington DC to compete against the City of Kingsport Tourism Bureau. The Long Island bar staff is saying that the contest was null and void and that the Kingsport team possibly wasted tens of thousands of tourism dollars on a booze trip for a fake contest.
I get y’all are upset. This is your livelihood (?) and who wouldn’t want the L.I. crown? But seriously. There are so many things that truly need investigating that this seems downright ri-damn-diculous.
On that note, I’m going to grab a non-fancy pre-made Long Island that I love—the Captain’s Long Island.
Red solo cup up!
That’s the best headline we could devise. We're sleep-deprived.
Honey Baked Ham is celebrating its online merch shop with a custom HAMmock. Yup. It’s your fantasy come true. You can look like and be as desired as a Honey Baked Ham.
Press your “ham” into this:
KFC is pretty cool with its online merch and marketing. Honey Baked Ham doesn’t want to get left behind. I get it. Seriously, I only think of H.B. around the holidays. But its online merch shop leaves something to be desired. There are very few items, and the marketing folks need to come up with as many pun-item-related products as possible. Deeming themselves “Home of the World’s Best Swag” is ballsy and… inaccurate. Plus, for whatever reason-- the look of this hammock makes me want to hurl. It looks like raw flesh to me.
I appreciate your pork swagger. But you need the merch to back up the swag. At least you have the HAMmock. You should’ve made a ham pool floatie to also celebrate summer. Not all of your products need to incorporate the word “ham”. That might help.
Off for a nap. But not in this hammock. LOL
I think this gal must be the child I never had. Because she has fire. A lot of fire. And she’s not afraid to torch that bridge when necessary.
Nataly Buhr is making headlines with her valedictorian speech at San Ysidro High School in sunny California. After the standard thanking of her friends and family, and a handful of memorable teachers, she pulled an Al-Pacino-Scent-of-a-Woman-take-a-flame-thrower-to-this-place-speech.
She “thanked” her counselor:
"… for teaching me to fend for myself. You were always unavailable to my parents and I, despite appointments. Only in these past few weeks, with the awards ceremonies and graduation coming up, did you begin making your appearance.”
She “thanked” the office staff:
"Your negligence to inform me of several scholarships until the day before they were due potentially caused me to miss out on thousands of dollars.”
She “thanked” an unnamed teacher:
Who was “regularly intoxicated during class… Thank you for using yourself as an example to teach students about the dangers of alcoholism. Being escorted by police out of school was a lasting impression.”
School officials said her speech wasn’t the one she submitted for approval prior to the ceremony, and that she ruined the positivity of her moment. Uhmm... she took her moment up 10 notches!
FYI: Her parents and friends are proud of her shade. Put this chick in charge of something.
Editor-in-chief Kathy Vogel shares what's on her mind... through her fingers.