I’ve come to embrace all the creepy awesomeness that is Halloween. One of these years, I’m gonna jump all skeleton-in and decorate like crazy. But I don’t understand why I’m getting creepy Halloween items in my social media feeds, when I haven’t searched for any Halloween-related items!!!

Because this mother-effin’ thing is haunting me:
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​We all know that Ring Around the Rosie is one twisted little kid's game about the Black Plague. If it really isn’t, it’s still morose. Anyhow, nice try on attempting to make this item sound cute:

No sale.
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I mean, if I really need any amount of creepy I can walk into any Walmart. Is that what Walmart is really advertising?

​Scammers. They try to suck the benjamins right out of you every chance they get. Some are really savvy. With a majority of people using the Netflix platform, these toolbags probably think they've got a 90% chance of rippin' someone off.
 
Dear Netflix User,
Your Netflix has been temporarily suspended, due to some error detected on your billing details.
We urge you to CLICK HERE  to confirm your billing details, so you can continue enjoying unlimted movies.
Sincerely,
Netflix Billing Department. 
 
Wait! I use Netflix! Holy sh*t! I need to contact them immediately. Oh, wait. Our account is in my hubby's name. Oh, and the email address is not even close to being legit:
 
Net-Flix <Skw3262@embarqmail.com>
 
Nice try. Go bottom-feed elsewhere...

​So, I saw this cute little (really little) house for sale. It's on Otter Dr. 
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The only way I would live here is if an actual otter came with this house. Could you imagine? A pet otter!?!? I kinda think this is false advertising. Where are the damned otters!?!? LOL
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Yup. This is how my mind works sometimes (most of the time).
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​I'm adventurous. Not skydiving-adventurous. But I'm fun. Just not into this...
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Who knew Pinterest was all "get yo freak on"? Not that we're judging, but I love chocolate cake. Not in my "mount" or "mound" or "bundt" for the record...

The "H" and "N" are  near each other on the keyboard, but it's not like they typed "moutn". So, I'm thinking this is some kind of after hours dessert....

P.S. Shouldn't this be a triple layer cake if it's "mount"? I think of tall things that require a stepladder, be it food or "friend"...

​It seems we’re always dreaming about vacation. There’s not a day that doesn’t go by that I’m not thinking of a cruise, or a trip to Sandals, or a beach with beverages. But this is one place I have no desire to go to:
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All I can think of is the TLC song “No Scrubs”.

“A scrub is a guy that think he’s fly
He’s also known as a busta
Always talkin’ about what he wants
And just sits on his broke ass…”

A scrub is a dude who mooches off of everyone else and has nothing going for him in life.

So, no. I don’t want to vacation on Scrub Island. But it is the perfect place to send the scrubs of the world!

I hate when someone who is most likely younger than I am giving me advice on how to live my life. Get a gray hair or 20 first, then check back in.

A recent article basically covered 40 things women over 40 shouldn't have in their possession. The list was tamer than I imagined, because it's become a "thing" to bash people over the age of 30. But I still don't cave to pressure from someone I don't give five sh*ts about telling me what to do.

Some things on the list: paperback books; shoes that hurt your feet; wire hangers. Look, judgy bitch. I like books. I will continue to have them. And CDs. I'm not dumping either for the sake of a Kindle or downloads-- though I do download stuff.

Here's my list of 4 things you shouldn't care about when you reach the age of zero tolerance:

1. What other people think. Are they in your inner circle? Then f*ck off.

2. My third roll of flab. Why? I worked hard for the first two, and the third is bonus. Bring on the yoga pants 4-eva!

3. Saving everyone and the environment. Because I won't live long enough to associate with the masses. Time's a ticking... And, I'm sure the know-it-alls are ruining the environment we speak.

4. I'm too blissfully old to come up with a #4. That's why old people rock. Because we make up rules and stuff.

I'm going to start my own hashtag to counteract the #OKBoomer trend (though I'm not a boomer, but I want to defend boomers out there): #OKMillie. As in, "Okay, Millennial. You have grandiose ideas but no plan of action. Go back to eating your avocado toast and pretending to be evolved and better than...
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That escalated.

Next to thieves, hypocrisy is on my list of things that ain't cool. So many people think they know so damned much-- but actually know very little. Victim-playing should be a career for some. 

The above pic and headline sound like a valid blog post for those looking for love. We all want to bond with that one special someone. But first things, first. Make sure you’re divorced (legally) before leaping heart-first into your next potential divorce.
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Wakey, wakey…

I can honestly say I've never used a bidet. I've never been in a restroom where one is offered. And quite frankly, I wouldn't know how to use it. I understand the basic principle behind this feature. Who doesn't want the cleanest of hineys? But this bidet looks mutha-effin' scary.
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My concern is that this stream of water is going to shoot through the shoot and all the way up and out of my mouth!

Why not call the fire department and have them blast your backside? Because that's what I equate this to.
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I think I'll be passing on this Groupon. By, the way-- I wasn't "looking for this" ever. Plus, thanks to comedian Mike Conley all I can think about is how he's renamed the bidet "water toilet paper."

​It's not every day you get a call from a former PUSA...​

Obviously, I did not receive a call from President Carter, though that would've been epic. I love technology, but love how it's imperfect in cases like this one. Lost in translation voice transcription is just as entertaining as reading production descriptions on Wish.

Oh, we're also gonna have to say "no" to giving us a bath. We're not into three-play, no matter if you were once a president or not. Who knew you swung like Slick Willie or JFK?

I have no idea what this latest scam could be, because I refuse to link click into a rabbit hole of computer takeover or all-access to my life. But I’ve gotten this twice through my contact form section through my website www.hausofv.com:

Submitted Information:
Name
CrystalAnach CrystalAnach
Email
office@raw-burgsteiner.com
Company Name
CrystalAnachWK
Comment
We would like to inform that you liked a comment ID:35915743 in a social network , January 9, 2019 at 19:48
This like has been randomly selected to win the seasonal «Like Of The Year» 2019 award!
http://facebook.com+prize+@1310252231/7WJ9j

The overachiever in me would love to be an award winner. Because back-in-the-day, I’d get some cash from mom and dad and a toy that I wanted. But methinks this is no award. Though I’m curious if I’m getting props for my fabulous wit from a social media comment. But I know that I rarely comment on people’s posts, so, nice try.

I love how “Like of The Year” awards are handed out before the year is actually over…

Toolbags.